Carpe Diem

I am writing this while listening to the old (but eternal ha!) track from Don Moen, He never sleeps. the song says, “When you’ve prayed every prayer that you know how to pray. Just remember the Lord will hear and the answer is on its way.” And yes that was exactly how I felt, I believed that my prayer had been answered and the answer is on its way. I am a simple person when it’s about faith, I believe my God will answer, no but. Well, last year I and my wife lost our first daughter after 9 years of marriage. She died in the womb on the age of 5,5 months, I carried her small but perfect and reddish dead body, I can see she got her mom’s nose and chin and definitely my eyes. Her name is Lois Aimee Kusika, first of the Kusikas ever with a tombstone. She got a rare symptom of Hydrops Fetalis. We went to many doctors and looked for help anywhere we could but it didn’t help much. I met a lot of people saying the same thing about Lois, she will survive and she will be a miracle. Faith was up and down like crazy, I always thought I will teach Lois about faith, little did I knew she forced me to define the word faith in my spiritual life again and again and more. I got so strong every time I prayed, and so weak every time I got back from the doctor and saw the ultrasound and nothing was changed. she was still in the same condition week after week and my faith was going rollercoaster until the day we heard our doctor said, “when you felt her movement the last time ?” That’s when our hearts skipped a beat. My thought that day was how to react like King David when he lost his son, now it’s not a time to be sad but a time to rise again and move on. That’s what I did.

Why did I decide to accept and moved on? Because I knew God is there. Did I disappointed with God? No, I was disappointed and sad, but I don’t think it was with God. I think it was with myself, with circumstances and with the fact that I lost my baby. The second I heard the fact that she died, I was crushed, I just cried and couldn’t hold my tears no matter how I hard I hold it. Kayaknya ga pernah nangis kayak gitu selama saya hidup. Tapi apakah kecewa dengan Tuhan ? Nah detik yang sama saya mendengar kabar buruk itu saya tidak berteriak Hallelujah atau sejam kemudian … atau 3 hari sesudahnya pun tidak. BUT deep down in my heart, I didn’t blame God. Ada satu kepastian yang membuat saya tidak menyalahkan Tuhan, He love me so much, that He gave His only son. why should He take away mine? Saya cuma tahu bahwa dibalik semua ini Tuhan dimuliakan. Apakah saya dan istri kuat? saya rasa bukan kuat, saya rasa kata yang tepat adalah total surrender. Saya tahu kehidupan ini adalah dari Tuhan dan untuk kemuliaan Tuhan. Apabila Dia memberikan kami seorang anak, maka itu akan membawa kemulian bagi Tuhan. Berserah saya rasa tidak ada hubungannya dengan kuat, kami tidak kuat, sebab kami masih bersedih, but we’ve move on. Dalam hati kami, ada sebuah kesadaran bahwa Tuhan berkuasa dan berdaulat dalam kehidupan, tetapi kehilangan seseorang anak membuat kita memiliki sebuah kesimpulan ekstrem, Tuhan yang mengambil. Atau mungkin Tuhan membiarkan semua ini karena sebuah sebab yang belum bisa kita liat sebelumnya. Extreme thought but it saved us and has keep us sane. Saya Bisa menerima kenyataan kalo Tuhan yang mengambil, artinya ada rencanaNYA dibalik semua ini dan di dalam rencanaNYA pasti ada kemuliaanNYA. I can accept that, because for me that’s enough.

posted on Nov 22nd, 2019